Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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