Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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