She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
