He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
