On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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