Dude my mom stole all your condoms
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
