Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
what day is it and did you see me today?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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