quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
