OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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