The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
