mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
