just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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