my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
