I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
