what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
