I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
