Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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