never play flip cup with pint glasses
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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