He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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