I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
