im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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