i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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