Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My breasts were aching with rage.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize