Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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