if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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