Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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