I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
