The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
