i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
