I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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