so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
