vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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