My first STD was from a foam party
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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