Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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