I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
