the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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