i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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