We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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