it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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