I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
