note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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