i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I love having hate sex.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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