Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
