I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
