Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
