I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Even my vagina gasped.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
