$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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