3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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