I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
