wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
