You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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