last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize