Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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