Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
