I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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