i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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