Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
