shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
